My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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I would move hell over six inches for you
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Fight
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings