Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.