My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts