A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
damn he’s good
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
LMAO
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]