I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Sunday
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
#FunnyLife Insects
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”