Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*