Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.