A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
decorating my apartment
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long