I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”