I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.