*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I get distracted pretty eas
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
At least my masseuse has my back.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.