Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Chemical wingman
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true