I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.