[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
c’mon!
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care