Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My therapist after every session
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls