[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
what
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.