*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
waiting for halloween be like:
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
based al yankovic
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.