Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
LMAO
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My plans: 2020:
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.