Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Duck typos.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.