The honesty is refreshing
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
what
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel