Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
never ask a starfish for directions
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.