I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
NASA has no chill
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Haha good job!!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”