Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Best spoiler warning ever
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs