Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Breaking news:
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes