Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Perfect
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.