I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.