Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I love you…
…r dog.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*