I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
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*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime