The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works