Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it