Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws