Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
We found love in a hopeless place.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Quadruple digit IQ
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes