Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
You Might Also Like
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors