Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The honesty is refreshing
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts