Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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What personal space?
My dog
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I need to update my racial profile.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT