*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie