Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Bringing home a sharpie
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.