Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.