A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep