Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
#SaturdayBears
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”