Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning