My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Brb my Sims are getting married
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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