When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.