POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?