Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please