Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Bond. Trauma bond.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
wtf is an acronym