At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Good morning
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin