My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.