Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
No, YOUR illiterate.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I missed you with all my darts
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out