By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?